121. The Guardrails of Recovery

When I found Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA), my weight wasn’t my real problem – it was the complete madness I experienced around food. Food had controlled my life since childhood. I grew up in my great-grandmother’s house, and the kitchen was my sanctuary. I was a fearful child; the sound of the doorbell sent me running to hide under her skirt, but food meant love and safety. I started using food to make myself feel better in high school when I was being bullied. Even after things got better, the feelings of insecurity didn’t. Food became my way to cope, and college only made it worse. I would seek refuge in a damp basement study space where I could eat alone. When my sister passed away at too young an age, weight began to show up on my body. Work in Washington, D.C. was challenging too; eating huge portions, hiding to eat, lying to cover it up – it was exhausting. I always made excuses to leave social events early. When someone at church asked what I put before God, I immediately knew my answer: food. At my lowest point, after consuming a bucket-sized family meal, I passed out in my car at a toll booth and was taken by ambulance to the hospital. Through multiple sponsors and countless relapses, I eventually found true recovery. Today, FA serves as my guardrail, preventing me from driving off the cliff of food addiction. My relationships have improved, and I’m no longer hiding. I have so much gratitude for this program. It is my blueprint for living.